If Today Ended in Tears (Yours or Theirs): What I Wish I’d Known As A Young Mom

I wasn’t the best mom when my kids were young. I had a hot temper with a short fuse that frequently went off when they weren’t behaving or cooperating. As a result, there were lots of raised voices and tears, especially between my daughter, Elise and me.

When Elise was about 18 months old, her strong will began to show in big ways. At first, I thought it was just the terrible twos. I was wrong. Share on X

Every decision I made on her behalf or instruction I gave her was met with defiance. Who knew an 18-month-old cared so much about what she wore to daycare? By the end of every day, I was exhausted from the constant back-and-forth. My husband would come home from work and hear my frustration as I tried to get our daughter to pick up her toys or put on her pajamas, wondering aloud how we’d make it through her teen years.

Oddly, she would only act this way with me. No one outside of my husband and sister-in-law, whom we spent a lot of time with, believed my sweet and shy little Elise could cause a minute’s worth of trouble.

I vividly remember one morning when I was taking her to kindergarten class. For some reason, her little brother wasn’t going to daycare that day, and it set her off, resulting in me having to wrestle her into the car. The piercing screams and hard kicks against the back of my seat for the entire 12-minute drive to school were the most defiant I’d ever seen her. No amount of promises or reasoning would penetrate that hard shell of strong-will. She didn’t want to go and couldn’t understand why I was making her. Once there, I finally coerced her out of the back seat, into her classroom, and made a quick getaway. Back in my car, I collapsed in tears and defeat. Why was she so defiant?

I wish I could say that was the last bad experience we had, but there were many more meltdowns to come. Moments when I had to leave the room and tell Elise not to follow me because I needed to get away from her to cool down.

Desperate for help in understanding more about my daughter and looking for ways to guide her defiance, I bought Dr. James Dobson’s The Strong-Willed Child. I only made it halfway through the book before I stopped reading. It seemed to me there were only two outcomes in her future—become the CEO of a major corporation—or jail. And at that point, jail looked like the more likely option.

Many mornings, I found myself on my knees in prayer, begging God to show me how to be a better mom. And slowly God gave me a revelation—Elise, and I were alike. I never thought of myself as strong-willed, but when I saw how much I wanted to control every situation, especially with her, I realized that was part of my strong will, too. I had to ask God for forgiveness for my pride and inflexibility. He used my daughter to humble me. I don’t know if I’d have seen it otherwise.

Once Elise entered middle school, she started to become more compliant. She faced several difficult circumstances over the years, and God used those experiences to humble her. But he also used her strong will to help her persevere through those difficulties, one of them being when her fiancé broke off their engagement over FaceTime three months after he proposed. That almost crushed her—and me. But watching her walk through that pain and come out stronger on the other side made me proud to see how resilient she’d become.

I’m happy to say Elise didn’t end up in prison. Instead, she’s one of the kindest, most thoughtful, and beautiful people I know. We rarely butt heads anymore, but when we do, we both treat each other with respect and find a solution together.

She’s now the project administrator for my husband’s underground utilities company and keeps all the balls in the air so things will run smoothly. It’s not easy working in a company of only men, but she holds her own and has proven her worth.

Today, Elise would agree that we’re best friends. She married a wonderful guy and is the mother of a sweet baby boy and an adorable two-year-old little girl—who has inherited her mother’s strong will.

So, mama, if you’ve got a little one with a defiant spirit, don’t despair or give up. Instead, get on your knees and ask the Lord for His help. You never know how God will use that strong will to fulfill the purpose He created them for.

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Carol Roper is the host of the Building Strong Homes podcast, where she shares stories that strengthen faith and family. After 36 years as a residential designer, she followed God’s nudge into podcasting. She’s a women’s ministry leader, retreat host, and writer featured in Guideposts Magazine and Chicken Soup for the Soul. Carol lives on her family farm in Fountain Inn, SC, with her high school sweetheart
husband, John. They have two married children and four delightful grandkids.

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