Building Social Skills by Eating Together

“My son doesn’t make good eye contact. Is that normal?” one young mother asked. Another wondered, “is it normal for my daughter to prefer watching videos on her tablet to interacting with me?” These are questions I hear daily in my work with young children. So, I thought I’d share my advice with you.

Part of the problem

With the onset of ever-present technology (smartphones, tablets, etc.), delays in social skills in young children are increasing. Also reported as increasing in young children are technology addictions, anxiety disorders, depression, loneliness, and related conditions. Click here for more information.

What are social skills?

As a background for the rest of our discussion, let’s review what social skills are. In a nutshell, these are the abilities to interact with another person or group of people. Things such as:

1. direct eye contact
2. saying or waving “hi” or “bye” to someone
3. giving hugs and kisses
4. showing sympathy and offering comfort to another
5. playing with other children in a back and forth manner with the same toy or game
6. being protective toward younger or weaker children
7. offering help

Social skills begin around early. By 2-3 months of age when your baby looks at you and smiles at you (not randomly), they’re socializing with you. By 6 months old, most babies know their mom from others and will reach for familiar people. By 12 months of age, most children will play “patty cake,” “peek-a-boo,” or other similar childhood games, which require face-to-face interaction and social engagement.

As your child gets older, his/her social skills should progress into more complex interactions requiring maturity of language (more words and deeper conversations) and an awareness of and involvement in the emotions of others. All of these are determined by the growth and development of your child’s brain.

How does technology impact social skills?

The designers of the games and apps your child interacts with on a smartphone or digital tablet intentionally create images, music, and movements that capture your child’s attention and hold it. Science is quickly discovering the hidden dangers of these activities as we are discovering younger and younger children are actually addicted to screens.

Is your child addicted to digital entertainment? Here are a few signs of digital addiction in young children:

1. withdrawal symptoms when the technology is taken away. Behaviors such as irritability, anxiety, or sadness
2. increasing tolerance issues. Maybe an hour on the tablet used to satisfy and now it’s two hours or more
3. loss of interest in other activities, such as no longer enjoying playing outside or playing with others
4. lacking control over the technology use. Meltdowns over limits on the use of the technology or for older children, inability to follow established limits
5. using technology to avoid things, such as escaping from chores or non-preferred activities

This list is not exhaustive but gives you an idea if your child is addicted or headed in that direction. Here’s more info>>Click here.

Here’s a video of a baby who is demonstrating signs of addiction and the mom laughs because it’s funny to her. But, it’s really serious. Watch.

What now?

Identifying screen use as a problem and a serious one to your child’s overall development is an important first step. Now, let’s go back and answer the two questions posed by those concerned moms.

1. “Is it not normal for a young child to avoid direct eye contact?” No, it is not. While your child may be temperamentally shy, lack of direct eye contact with familiar people is not shyness. Shyness is seen in the presence of unfamiliar people.
2. “Is it normal for my daughter to prefer watching videos on her tablet to interacting with me?” Probably; however, it is not healthy for building language or social skills. I get it though. Busy and tired moms plug in the entertainment so they get a break. Using technology as a babysitter has become commonplace.

Ways to improve your child’s social skills

If you’ve read this far, pat yourself on the back. Identifying some things that need tweaking means you care. And, reversing some bad habits is easier than you fear. Begin here:

1. Establish rules on tech use in your home and enforce them regularly (90% of the time). Click here for screen use guidelines by age.
2. Establish family mealtime around a table at least once a day or 4-5 times a week.
3. Establish a schedule of outside play and keep it regularly (90% of the time).

Sitting around a table eating a meal together may seem old-fashioned and quaint. However, this simple routine helps your children learn essential social skills, such as sitting to eat while facing others and interacting socially. Conversations occur and table manners are taught. Self-feeding and language skills also blossom using this time-tested ritual.

Many moms have begun parking all electronics (notifications silenced) in a special place during meals. Having an established “parking lot” helps children learn not to expect electronic entertainment during meals. While it may seem oversimplified to establish or re-establish family meals, it is not. This simple routine is a powerful method to improve your child’s social skills.

Are you and your family struggling in this area?

(Photo from Adobe Stock)